Instinct...

School is back with a resounding bang. A noise that reminds me how when you have school-age children, your life is broken down in to the spaces of time that represent school terms. It never used to matter to me whether it was term-time, but now - term time is all.

Olivia P...

My daughter is in the last year of her present school and will, this time next year, be moving to senior school. So today she had an interview with the Headmaster of one of our chosen schools (one that is pretty much the top of the list). A poignant moment; I am noticing that from a parental perspective, increasingly there are things that I just can't do for her! She had to do this on her own and unlike all of those early years, where as a mother I was hovering in the wings, ready to prompt and soothe where needed, now I find I am literally and metaphorically in a waiting room, watching her disappear along a hallway out of sight. It's a good day...this realisation feels right.

I attended a parent's meeting last night where the teachers were outlining the importance of this academic year and how as parents we had a pivotal role to play in support. I started to get the creeping feeling that I could have done more to support; more homework help, more subtle coaching, more confidence building. Then I corrected myself (as I find I often need to) and remembered that it's not me trying out for these schools, it's her. 

She has to stand her own feet and hot-housing children to perform for interviews and exams, I have always felt, kind of defeats the object. I have completed my education; I can't do it again through her. Yet I observe so many mothers who are plugging any gaps in education and well-roundedness with extra tuition, extra activities, extra work. I figure (maybe naively) that if a child can manage entry to a school based on their normal work-rate, then all the better. If you flog a child to get in somewhere and then find when they arrive that they can't keep up, then surely that is a disaster? This feels like uncharted waters of motherhood to me; I feel like I am having to trust my instincts and cross my fingers in the hope that it will all turn out OK.

So, in short, she did great in the interview. Just when I thought I had her every nuance clocked, she pulled a confident little performance out the bag, despite the lack of preparation and hot-housing on my part. Fingers crossed...plant the flowers and hope they grow.

Life lesson of the puppy variety...

So in my wholehearted attempt to embrace change and not worry so much about possible outcomes, we have added to our little family; the puppy has arrived! Oh my goodness, what a bundle of absolute cuteness; and I didn't even think I was a doggie person. I am so smitten, Boo is overwhelmed with love for this little chap already and my son, well he is taking slightly longer to get used to loosing his 'baby of the family' mantle.

Today, I am starting to train the pup to be house-trained and the nights have been slightly traumatic for all, but I am thinking this pup is a wonderful addition...

ohhh...who could resist that face?!

Momentum...for my friend...

Is it just me who finds it so hard to keep up momentum? I feel as if this is a modern malaise that afflicts women of my age. I think I am not alone...

With so much access to information (Internet, blog, twitter, facebook blah blah) I am so utterly well informed about all the things I should be doing. I notice this particularly, as I just bought my baby nephew an encyclopedia for his christening gift. An antiquated gift! When I was a child there was an encyclopedia in the house that we used to check things in. I can remember that shuffle of countless pages as my Mum would look up and cancel out the likelihood of some obscure childhood illness like Scarlet Fever. Or my brother would use it to prove a point about some general knowledge tidbit that he knew and I didn't. Or on really idle days I would just pick a page and read it just for the hell of it; after all knowledge is power. I used to have this thirst for knowledge that could only be found in books. I am sure this is why I find libraries so comforting; I truly believe that books hold the answer to all.

And yet now there is the web...everything I need to know about life is just a google click away...

And so a slightly retro gift for my nephew and the realisation for me that anything can be found online so there is almost no need for an encyclopedia! But with all of this information comes the responsibility of doing what is right.

I know for example that I should eat healthily. I go through faddish phases (remember the juice diet anyone?) where I get super-healthy, reap the rewards, feel pious when choosing ingredients and am generally in a 'my body is a temple' mode. Then I fall off the wagon as I simply loose momentum for whatever it was I was aspiring to that week. No yeast diet. No salt diet. No nothing diet. It's not weight loss, its health. Like the elixir of life, I think the answer to many ailments is in food. I just wish I could convert myself to actually maintain the momentum and stay healthy.

Similarly, fitness. I know, especially at the moment as I am not working, that I should be maximising what I do with my body. I should be running and training and cycling and getting outside. Breathing in the fresh air. I should be exploring yoga and Pilate's and building my 'inner core'. I should be tending to my weakened muscles and making myself better. I know the merits of this; I read about them all the time, yet somehow I can't keep it up. Why is this?!

Take personal grooming; those women you see who are immaculate; whose nails are done and whose hair is kept and who put us all to shame. Every and any woman can be like that, there is nothing to stop us. Of course financially the pursuit of grooming can be draining, but there are ways to do it. Yet I have spurts of action where I get myself together, closely followed by times of slovenly ways and chipped nails.

via atlantic pacific

Another example is dealing with my children. I try to maintain the standards of a harmonious home life, I read self-help books on bringing up confident children who can take on the world. I try and try to make it all build towards a greater good and I know in myself that the harder I work at it, the better they do. Case in point: reading at bedtime. A necessary and honourable activity that every family should make paramount. It's something I refuse to let drop, but some nights I am guilty of choosing a thin book; one with fewer words and more pictures, in the knowledge that it will be over sooner and I can retire to that glass of wine.

via everyday musings

Are our standards just way too high? (Yes, I know, I can already predict your lovely comments saying I am too hard on myself; that seems to be my theme song!) If we had all the time in the world would we manage to keep momentum and make everything happen perfectly?

via home

I have a good friend who is about to take a year out of her normal life to be on a Sabbatical. Her head is filled with the possibilities; of the options that could present themselves over that year. It has been long awaited and I know that her objective, rightly or wrongly, is to be a better person after it. Especially a better mother, but ultimately a better her. I wish her every bit of luck on this year out and I know she will get lots out of it. But what will intrigue me the most is whether she can keep the momentum up? Here's to having the gumption to keep going! I  have a feeling she will...

Chez moi...

My lovely sister in law mentioned to me that my blog post regularity was waning, how she liked to have a read with her morning coffee during her boy's naptime and what? There were no new updates! Well, I know, I know, so no excuses other than to say that the children have finally gone back to school so I have a moment to myself for the first time in 8 weeks. Thank Goodness!

Keira...

There is something wonderful about that back to school moment; I was one of those mothers you see - skipping off in glee at the prospect of an uninterrupted cuppa tea. I have such admiration for people who home-school their children. Seriously; that is an undertaking.

I am in that usual early autumnal mood, musing on new winter boots and perusing Vogue for inspiration (Adele is on the cover of British Vogue and looks amazing. I completely like her). I always adore how the shops fill up with darker hues and it makes me want to buy penny loafers in a nod to the new academic season. A metaphoric 'back to school' for me too.

tommy hilfiger

Following a summer of having a houseful, I feel the need to clear the decks again in chasing my perpetual objective of having a clutter-free space. Oh to loose the clutter. One day I will manage it. One day...

via sailboats and seersucker

Meanwhile I am finding my feet in my freshly emptied home...making plans, getting ready. We have a new arrival coming on Saturday of the puppy variety... :-) sweeeeeet!

Things of beauty...

Hello there. Returned with a shock to normal life; it's incredible how quickly those holiday vibes fade in the place of normal. I like normal, there is a regularity to it that feels right. The adjustment for the Boos is harder though; they have to get back into home mode and particularly school mode - starting the middle of next week. We must all get ourselves together and do the September 'starting fresh' season. I like this time of year...bouquets of sharpened pencils at the ready.

I feel, after all of my soul-searching, that I have the makings of a plan. I needed a plan. It heralds me getting back to normality in a wider sense; work, family, schooling, friends. I am reaching the conclusion that whilst times have been hard and I have felt decidedly without direction, it's been necessary for me to get where I am now.

via pretty stuff

Blake Lively in US Glamour

via 100 layer cake

via dust jacket attic

via 100 layer cake

via Dust Jacket Attic

Have a lovely relaxing weekend!

Portugal memories...

And so another year of the annual Portugal pilgrimage draws to a close. We had the best time...despite my blog outburst suggesting the contrary! As ever thank you for your wisdom in comments...what would I do without the counsel of others?

...happy day, beach hair and sunglasses...

...chilled rose at my fave beach restaurant...

...a lone cloud in the sky...

...determined wave jumping...

...empty turquoise sea...

...floating...

...olive oil and vinegar...

...visiting strays...

...seaweed, which doubles as mermaid's hair...

...friendship bracelet...made by Boo...

My unsure heart...

You know I mentioned that everything was on hold at the moment? I am in a free-fall and have been for months. I should have known that coming away would bring things to some sort of fruition, with my thoughts floating freely as I ponder the ocean. I think of recent blog posts I have written and wonder if I am being entirely truthful with myself and to readers.

For sure I have mild angst about what I write here and want sometimes to be brutally honest, only then to temper that with shades of honesty. Not exactly an untruth, but more a diluted, prettified version of the real status quo. I also sometimes get this distinct sensation that those reading are judging; which surely points to my own paranoia? Why should I care who judges me? And moreover, if I did care why on earth would I be publishing this on the world wide web?

So I guess what I am saying is that I am painting a pretty picture of life as the reality is unclear to me. I am unsure what to do next. I have said before that I was always a working mother and now I am a mother who does not work (temporarily or permanently?). I have pain which is still unresolved and I clutch at straws of what the cause is and what the cure is. I have had to face many a demon about how I percieve hardship and how strong I am. I have come to the unrefutable conclusion that life is about your strength of mind. How well you cope. How long you can hold on. How your inner dialogue gets you through. At the end of the day there is only so much others can do for you. I have to fix myself.

So as I live in this self-imposed limbo I must acknowledge that the little things in life must be sufficient to keep me grounded. That the 'not knowing' must become my daily companion. That the future, unlike any other time in my life (school, university, job, marriage, children) is not stretching out in a clear path; it is a bending road running out of my sight. It's all a complete unknown.

And so off ponder the little things...

image source unknown...but how beautiful?