Things of beauty interlude...

Temporarily, our life has been thrown into a state of flux. Sometimes, things you believe to be safe (like jobs) are not, and you have start afresh with new assumptions. This week I have learned that my patience is not as extensive as I had thought. That I too quickly leap to conclusions, even though common sense should prevail. That I misuse semi colons (according to Boo's crib-sheet on the matter). That I have some awesome friends, who when it matters, form an emotional huddle. A wigwam of support.

I've felt oddly hemmed in after the Christmas period; still no school for my children, so days spent killing time. The recline level has gone to extremes and my son announces daily that it's a 'pyjama day'! I have had to explain that the beauty of a pyjama day phenomenon is that it does not occur every day!

As ever the final week of holidays is a week too long! It's not long until I return to work and that is starting to fill my thoughts. I feel like I need to go back and retrace how this last six months of absence came about. I need to walk in those same steps and see if I can create a different outcome. If you want things to be different, you have to do them differently.

I have had some lovely guest bloggers post their thoughts and there is more to come next week. Thank you for your wonderful welcome and warm comments. I like the different slant on things and whilst I am staying in the background, I am still here :-)

via coco kelley

via brown dress with white dots

via pretty stuff

via grey clouds and red days

via comptoir des cottoniers

photograph by chris nicholls

...oops how did that get there?!! Bradley Cooper....

via a well traveled woman

via this flickr

Here's to success and a fresh start...

How does she do it?

Happy Wednesday...this week is sprinting by; I can not get over how much there is going on at the moment. No time to stop, so just to say this is what's happening here right now...

...more apples than I know what to do with; we have a glut in our garden orchard...

...after school football practice...

...puppy fun...

...and more puppy fun...

I went to see 'I don't know how she does it' last night with some friends. I read this book years ago and found it such an accurate depiction of my life it was almost disconcerting. The film plays out the whole working mother debate and at times when watching, my heart literally ached with the empathy I had for SJP's character. I found it thought-provoking, although the film itself was fairly average. Her handbag had a starring role (...and best supporting actress goes to the Mulberry Alexa!); it was in almost every scene and as I have one I spent a lot of time looking at it!

Interestingly the film has a different ending to the book...so I felt that the matter of working motherhood was entirely unresolved at the end! I guess I have to accept there will never be an answer to this one.

I have come to the conclusion that whether working mother or not, life has a frenetic pace. No matter whether I decide it or not, there is something about this time of my life that demands energy and resilience. Time for some peace and quiet?! Yes please...

Coming up for air...

Things I have learned, now that I am currently not working. There is time...

I wake in the morning and normally I would, within seconds, be assessing whether it was a work day, who was going where, what I had in my schedule. Every decision would stem from that; how much time I had to do any given thing. I see now how time-obsessed I have been for so many years. Not unlike many, many women, I have worked since the day I finished University until now, punctuated only by two episodes of maternity leave, both lasting 8 months. Looking back, of course the time I was not working when I had my babies could hardly be described as 'not working'. Those early months were amongst the hardest work ever!

via sailboats and seersucker

The thing I notice the most is that my whole attitude to time dictated how I had to schedule every activity within an inch of its life. For example, laundry had to be done on certain days because if it wasn't no one would have any clothes to wear. I couldn't ever put it off as I knew that I would be working the next day. I religiously allocated slots of time to everything, constantly, and just that action over 10 years has, I can see now, been exhausting. I am exhausted with the scheduling and the logistics. Every invitation requires military decision-making on work commitments and their impact of school collection times. Every 'nice thing' could be slightly tarnished by the fact that I would have to move heaven and earth to make it happen. This particularly noticeable with the children, whose activities and needs I now find I can accommodate with minimal extra effort. It becomes a pleasure rather than a chore...

Yet - my mind is not still or passive with the relief of not working for a while. Not working is almost not natural to me. It's all I have ever done and I find my mind wandering to what my colleagues are doing, who is doing my work, what projects are slipping, what decisions are faltering. Then of course I remind myself that life goes on in the corporate world and not for one second would I presume that they can't live without me, be it temporarily or permanently.

This leads me as well to the working mother vs stay at home mother conundrum.  I feel like I can now look at both sides. Much like childbirth, which I experienced on one occasion with all the drugs and on the other with none. I can honestly say neither was better or worse, the experiences were just different. I see now how attached I have been for so long to the working mother crusade, as if I single-handedly had to champion the fact that women can work and be good mothers. I find this fascinating now that I can see it more objectively.

All the advice I have had to slow down in recent weeks does ring true now and I see that I was going too fast; dare I say dangerously so. My body and the pain I have been feeling (read: trying to ignore for over a year) have been telling me; it's time to stop. I spend my days now just trying to 'be' and when I write that, I really mean it this time. I have purported to just 'be' before on this blog, and I see that I was tricking myself in the belief that I was. Now - this time - is different.

I am left with the unnerving realisation that the pain is linked to the life I have been leading; in some way the stress and honestly, I had never thought of this, but the ergonomics of how I live have contributed to all of my muscles just seizing up. I try now to notice that my shoulders are hunched all of the time. I consciously have to drop them when I sit typing this or when I drive the kids to school. The tension is gradually seeping away but my goodness it's a slow progress. I tell myself: it took years to get this way, it won't stop in 4 weeks.

I don't really know what tomorrow holds, let alone the future. It is completely alien to me to be in this sort of free-fall; decisions unmade, life choices unknown. But isn't that the thing with well being? You can't rush it...

...dawn in the Isle of Wight...taken by my husband on his iphone...

They call her the chocolate girl...

Writing here is like a solace to me; when the day is done and the house is quiet I want to just get with my thoughts and let it pour out onto the screen. But some days I don't get the time and it leaves me feeling a bit cheated. I am conscious at the moment that there is much less order in life as we move from day to day, the children off school (did I mention that?! Eerrr yep, daily). In amongst days of country and beach walks ('wear them out, wear them out' is my mantra) I have the punctuation of a work day, where I remember that my brain can focus on wider things than what's for lunch and where the next play date is coming from. I find when I am working, lucid and considered expertise escapes from my mouth without me even knowing I had the thoughts that formed those words. Over time my ability to think on my feet has been enhanced and I love that. Experience is good.

from Vogue Russia March 2009

Is it possible to miss one's blog like you miss a friend? When I neglect it I feel a tinge of guilt! But what is nice is that no matter how long I've been away, there is always a welcome when I return. Plus there is something about the order and symmetry of a blog post that even if in the distinct disorder of my life, I can still create something whole. It's the completeness of the 'publish post' button that I like.

My house on the other hand is incomplete...no matter how many times I pile up the random bits of mail and paper (where does all this paper come from? I am surrounded by paper...how is this possible when we are meant to have a paperless society now?). No matter how many times I return items to their rightful home, or clear the mess, wipe the surface, it seems within minutes there is more to clear and wipe. Relentless in it's consistency; my house remains a terminal mess!

Photograph by Jean Randazzo via VT Interiors

Thank you for your comments; as ever you are a source of wisdom to me. Many said you liked the statement 'be the best version of yourself'...so I am trying to keep that in my mind each day.

One can only try! Day three of the detox...all I can think about is chocolate...

Day of doubt...

If ever I doubt my 'working mother' choice it's on a Tuesday. As I have Mondays off, Tuesday is my Monday. Back to work after a lovely long weekend; the stark contrast between my home days and work days on full show. The school run slightly more stressy due to high heels. The drive to work an attempt to empty my mind of home actions and focus on work actions. The meetings where I realise with a little shiver shock of guilt that I have thought of neither child for hours. The email inbox mounting up all the while.

via a lady's findings from things is cool

Then at the end of the work day, the commute back, the school pick-up late and getting tired. We reach home, I change into my home evening uniform of comfies. Immediately as we enter the house I am tidying up from our hasty departure that morning; simultaneously clearing porridge bowls and cooking their evening meal. Swift cuppa tea, homework and re-stocking school bags (make an Easter Bonnet out of recycled materials to be brought to school the day after tomorrow! Ugh the extra curricular activity that is the bane of the working mother's life). I try to maintain some semblance of happy motherly mealtime, knowing that once their meal is done and they are in bed, I will do it all again for my husband's return home. This is modern life. I know there are ways I could do it that would be easier - I could let the house be a mess, I could eat with the kids and let him fend for himself when he gets home. But for me that kinda misses the point...

I get the stage in the evening when I long for some time to just reflect on the day. I want to catch up on blogs and watch trashy TV. To enjoy a glass of wine when he gets home.

But then, as it all dies down and I consider the prospect of a day off work tomorrow (I do love being part time) I come to the conclusion it's just Tuesdays. I have enormous empathy for working mothers who work full time; where every day represents my Tuesday. My heart goes out to you and my hat goes off to you. With no condesedence inferred. I know every household has its hardships and its gems of goodness, time to enjoy the goodness in mine.

via a lady's findings from ornamelle

Full circle...

I go in this full circle every few months. It happens like this...

I make lots of mental and emotional deals with my inner self to try very hard at life and be generally better at everything. I will be a patient and loving mother who gives quality time to her children. I will nurture them and support them. I will be a high-performing employee who is respected for her intellect and expertise in equal measure. I will be an attentive and sparky friend to all of my dearly cherished buddies, regularly meeting up to catch up and share. I will clear my house of all plastic kiddie atrocities and keep it resembling a feature in 'Country Living' at all times. I will eat healthily and responsibly; sourcing local and in-season ingredients to make delicious and nutritious food for myself and my family. I will maintain my hair, body and face so all three are in harmony and a glorious representation of what a 36 year old woman can look like. I will get dressed and treat every day like it is a 'Sartorialist' day. I will wear thoughtful and appropriate outfits characterised by subtle, cool details that people (mainly other women) will admire. I will spend my money responsibly and not fritter it away on unnecessary purchases.

And then some time passes, I try really hard and this is what happens...

I am patient and supportive to my kids for less time than I honestly consider is 'enough'. I secretly long to get online and surf/blog/buy rather than spend time playing games with them (eeek, confession). I feel disillusioned with my employer as I give and give and give and don't get quite so much back. Months go by and I realise I have not spoken to friends and/or have forgotten a birthday. My house goes in peaks and troughs of tidiness; a 'Country Living' spread would be a distinct impossibility today! I eat bad food and then wonder why I have no energy. On the outfit front it's hit or miss - some days are Ugg days. I am longing to buy spring clothes to lift my wintry mood but the funding is not quite there. I could go on....

Then, the next stage in the circle is I think of others who are considerably worse off than me. Friends and acquaintances who have been dealt cards that are so much harder to accept than mine. And I conclude two things: i) I need to get a grip and ii) things really aren't so bad. Finally I decided I need to cut myself some slack, relax and try to enjoy life more without making it all such a Herculean effort.

And off we go again...welcome to the circle :-)

Preparations and planning...

I would like to bring you beautiful pictures of Christmas cheer and stories of my wonderful relaxed build-up to the festive period. However today has not quite fit that mould! Crazy-busy at work, big scary presentation (what is it with presenting that no matter how many times I do it, it still instills fear in me? Public speaking; you are either a natural or you are not). I so wanted to get everything done for Christmas this week, I'm writing a list and checking it twice (make that fifteen times). I feel distinctly out of control...

by Anne Taintor

I think back to those carefree days of the past where Christmas meant catching up with all of your old school friends when they were home to their families for the holidays. Mulled wine and late night shopping.  Family time and enjoying it all. No pressure. Now, with my own children there is a subtle pressure to make it all just right. To form those memories just like those I cherish from my childhood. Memories which came from my wonderful Mum's sheer hard work and determination to make family Christmases special, despite little things like divorce.

So I am trying to keep my Christmas cheer, to be nourished by this special time of year. To recall the true message.  To be neighbourly. To chill...OK so just one more lovely, restful image to help me on my way ;-)

Stop...

So there is a big irony here. This week and next week represent for me the ultimate pre-Christmas hectic-ness. The last two weeks of school - many, many events for the Boos from the Nativity to choir concerts to end-of-term discos. Oh, and final Christmas shopping (in an attempt to get it done, done, done). Oh and work (another big project looming). I have a calendar that rivals a head of state.

image via tinywhitedaisies

Yet in amongst this crazy-busy madness I attended a meeting yesterday at work where there was a motivational speaker. I felt I hardly had time to see this speaker; I went into work on my day off to do so, necessitating yet more organisational challenges! His contention was that in this busy world, we need to stop. Stop. Think. Consider. He showed this video, which kinda spoke to me, along with everything he said. What would happen if I just stopped for a while? Just a few minutes? How would it impact my day?

Talking of stopping...voting for the Best Blog closes today, so trying stopping by there and clicking on my blog! Easy-peasy...

Here's what I think...

Quick fire: Here's what I think:

Ageing gracefully?
I wish I was entirely fine with this process. It's one of life's inevitabilites. Fighting it, ultimately doesn't work. There are elements of it that are life-affirming and wonderful; experience is beauty, but oh how I wish it just didn't happen. That it wasn't quite so brutal. My Mum, who is the ultimate role model for everything; she is AWESOME, has aged beautifully. She is at-one. I love and emulate that. And isn't this image just beautiful?

Shopping as favourite?
For me, nothing like going into a shop and seeing lots of things that make my heart go pitter-patter. I wish I wasn't quite so shallow and that the things that made me heart beat fast had more substance than a pretty dress. But that's how I am - have been the same since the age of 5 (but then it was pink and white candy-striped dungarees that caught my eye).

Should mothers work?
Whatever gets you through the day. Such a fiercely personal choice. First one must look at why mothers work - what is it that motivates them? From my observations on this, it's not all it seems; the motivations are wide, varied and unexpected. Understanding that choice must come first before any judgement is made about whether it's right or wrong.

The medical profession?
I have always had the utmost faith in the medical profession. I respect doctors enormously, in a similar way to lawyers. Clever, dedicated people. However in recent dealings with the medical (dental) profession I have been left wanting. How come they don't know all the answers? Have they not devoted years of study to finding out why something goes wrong with the human body? I am a specialist in my job - if someone asks me a question that I don't know the answer to, I go away and find out. I don't just send them away to cope with it. The older I get the more I find that there are few straight-forward answers in medicine. This bothers me.

Pushy parenting?
Should children be pushed academically and in, for example, sport? Should children be made to sit exams? I think, sometimes yes. Life has tests, why should we pretend in childhood that tests don't exist? We can help reduce the number of tests (I am speaking metaphorically about all tests children face; be they mathematics, getting through playtime, being in a school production, running a race) but at the end of the day, is it not better to prepare children to know how to deal with some pressure? The trick is not too much pressure and to not erode or deface the relationship they have with their parents by making success synonymous with unconditional love and respect. I have seen pushy parents in action and it's not pretty. Still working out how I feel about this one...

Cooking a meal from scratch every night?
Ready-made meals; what Jamie Oliver hates. I cook a fair amount, most nights I make a meal from fresh ingredients, from scratch. It is time-consuming and often I find it enormously tedious but I do it because it matters. I also periodically test my children on whether they know what a butternut squash looks like vs a chilli. I can't bear the thought that some children don't know what a potato is unless it comes in the form of chips. I think they have to see me cook; not just put a plastic packet in the oven.

images via are so happy

Going to bed at 8.30pm?
For adults, not children. I am all for it. For children, the earlier the better ;-)

Having the right shoes?
Yep, it does matter. To me.

Making a good cheese sauce?
I find the most important thing is to whisk the roux with the milk, briskly; a brisk whisk if you will. I also find that I do it with a smile on my face as I think (always) of my friend L who commented that her bottom wobbled when making a cheese sauce. I find the smile helps the consistency ;-)

...looks just like this my kitchen...go Gwyneth...

Grrr....

Something work-related has made me so cross I find myself wandering around my house in a grump, thinking grrrrrrrr.... This is one of the few issues with being part time. This constant splitting of my attention; it never feels quite sufficient in either home or work camp. Even on days off my laptop is there, glowing away with new additions to my inbox; it's the gift that keeps on giving. When things blow up at work it's generally on the days I don't work, so there is always this feeling of catch-up involved. Like I dropped the ball, except I didn't! I need to work on being more clear about what I think and what I want and then maybe these grrrrrrr feelings will go away!

So I think - 'whatever' - there is more to life, such as these lovely images and this: an awesome invite seen on Pinterest which really spoke to me given that I have in the distant past endured that long distance relationship thing...

...scrumptious pie..

...the softest of pillows...

...running away together...

...a nice cuppa tea...

...and some freshly picked roses...

What could be better?!

Home day/Work day...

Home days, work days. I work part time so my week is split between the two. Work days are peppered through the week; so I have this ongoing contrast of my two 'lives'.

via Everything Fabulous

On home days I immerse myself with the children, the school run, the farmhouse, nutritious after-school snacks, re-grouping, cooking, admin, making piles of ironed laundry (will I ever get to the bottom of the ironing basket?!). My mind empties of the deadlines and strategy and corporate manoeuvring of my work days. What I find bizarre is that in each 'life' I am comfortable. I miss neither one when I do the other. Very rarely do I do any work on home days, other than tracking the state of my inbox. At work, I will sometimes be in a meeting and catch myself, with a shock; the realisation that I haven't even thought about my own children for an hour or two.

I am lucky to have this delineation and the chance to do both. I figure that opportunity is a rare one; maybe I have found and maintained, at least on paper, that pinnacle of the work/life balance. But in reality it can be...confusing. On home days I think and feel so little about work that I wonder why I persist in the double life. Yes, it's a means to an end but there are other consequences which every now and then I am fiercely reminded of. The project that I worked on earlier this year was a case in point, when nothing about life was balanced as I struggled with the professional challenges of an all-encompassing work effort can bring. For sure, home life suffered and the 'wounds' from that are only now making themselves known - you know how sometimes it takes six months for an effect to show in a child's behaviour?

So I keep on - amongst some criticism that I take on too much and the knowledge that my kids may look back on these years and recall me being rather frazzled at times, rushing from work to collect them after school; one of the only Mums at the school gates in heels and a suit, blackberry in hand.

...on home days I bake cakes just like this... ;-)

As I have said before and many commenters have reassured me there is no right answer. I notice though that now my children are older my contemporaries are talking about going back to work, just as the children are more self-sufficient at school. To me, having worked throughout following maternity leave, I would say my children still need me now, perhaps even more. In a way, if I didn't work, that would be of more use to them now than when they were toddlers. The fact is they are so much more aware now...and that awareness I feel when they comment that I spend too much time in front of my laptop or when they know they have to fall quiet in the car if 'Mummy's boss' calls.

Today is a home day, so I am going to zhush...potter...enjoy the view and be there after school full of smiles, in flat shoes, off to look for conkers for the school conker competition...

...the view from my window this morning...

Things of beauty...and some thoughts...

This week has been all about pastures new. In amongst some serious soul-searching and deliberation we decided to go for it and my husband accepted the new job. It was time to make the leap and it's a leap indeed, as he had been with the same company for 21 years. Man and boy. It's the same company that I work for still; think household name, multinational corporation. Before him his father worked there. Along with his mother and his brother in their time. To say it's a family institution is an understatement! So it was with a heavy heart that he tendered his resignation and we now face a very new chapter. So much of our time together is tied up in that company - strange as that may seem. Sometimes places and things can be defining.


I blogged about this decision a week or two ago (seems like a lifetime!), when the new offer was so fresh and exciting, all we could marvel at was the future. Now, with decision well and truly made, the past seems to have become very relevant and so you find me very nostalgic and pensive in this post. In corporate speak this would be described as the change curve...


Notable that even when I have known him 18 years, he still has the capacity to surprise me. When things got really tough at the end when his company were in the final (fairly ugly) throes of trying to keep him, he gathered himself up and showed such integrity and bravery in walking away. Taking the risk. Taking the road less travelled. Made my heart swell. So here's to pastures new...a different road.

You never know what you are going to get in life...

via it's mary ruffle

All you can do is try to live well, make your choices, follow your principles... ;-)

via tiny white daisies

Gorgeously casual Kate Bosworth

There has been a lot of this in our house lately...planning and re-planning, weighing up, thinking it through.

Revolutionary Road

A fair amount of this on his behalf. Posthumous portrait of President John F. Kennedy by Aaron Shikler painted in 1970.

A some of this on mine...my friend D loves this picture, it always make me think of her...'Thoughts of You' by Jack Vettriano.

Funny how I just know this about him and this week he's proved it yet again...

Sometimes you have to look through a different pane of life...

Embrace those new pastures...this is the view from the highest hill around here...