After she's gone...

You know how you have some friendships where you stay friends, despite distance or life changes or differing opinions? And no matter how long its been since you saw each other, you just slip back in the comfortableness of friendship when you catch up? And then there are those other friendships where, even though at one time in your life you were as close as can be, you then drifted and instead when you see each other there is that awkwardness. Where you both realise that whatever it was that made you friends has now passed?

I had a friendship with someone years back, and now I don't see her anymore. Even though she lives ridiculously locally and our kids are the same ages. But over time, something just went wrong with us. Looking back, I am amazed that we were ever that close. She was one of those friends who, in the nicest possible way, was like a wolf in sheep's clothing. There was alot of sweetness and light but deep down, she disapproved of me and what I was about and so every now and then these barbs would come out. When you have friends who you can grow with, there can be acknowledgement that you are different people, but that's OK as there is respect for that difference. But disapproval is a more complex thing.

With her there was this weightiness associated with the 'pleasantries' of friendship that I reserve for acquaintances instead of good friends. By this I mean for example, correspondence, thank you notes, thank you notes for thank you notes; that spiralling etiquette of women, where forgetting a coffee morning, or a belated birthday wish for one of the children or not being quick enough to respond to an email becomes more defining than the friendship itself. She used to make me feel like a bad person. When really I was just a naive young working mother, struggling to find my new place in life.

So in the end, we gradually extracted ourselves from knowing each other well. Over time we were less obliged to continue.

I now surround myself with friends who make me feel good about myself and who don't fret if I miss a date in calendar... and that's just so much better. Really I have learned, life's too short for anything else... :-)