Good enough...a pensive post

How do we decide when anything is good enough? This largely female pursuit of wondering '...am I good enough?' fascinates me. It applies to every inch of my life and I ponder when exactly did it become a conscious decision? At what point did I insert that feeling that I could have done better?

I observe my daughter doing her homework and she does exactly what is required; no more, no less. I say '...why don't you explore that extra topic or why don't you draw another picture or read another page, do another sum?' She looks at me as if I am nuts and says '...it doesn't say I have to do more, so why would I?' Good point. What is it in me that I always think the more I do, the better?

A good enough mother? Well, don't get me started...a dose of working-mother guilt, those very rare occasions where I find myself shouting at the Boos, times when I would rather be doing something else than making train tracks/plaiting Barbie's hair and my mind wanders and I think - shouldn't I be more committed and content to just play with them all the time?

A good enough wife? Ten years of marriage and it's all very good (we got the love), but at times I think, do I listen enough? Do I blame or force my own agenda? Do I make enough time for him?

At work, because I do a job where I am very experienced in a very niche field, I know, most of the time that I am good enough. But that feeling, in a corporate world, is a temporary luxury. Tomorrow I might not be good enough...they like to call it 'raising the bar'.

I went to the doctors yesterday as I have tonsillitis - boohoo its just not my week! I get this once a year, like clockwork. It's a little reminder that I am running too fast. The doctor said I must try to slow down. I said that's difficult, my life runs on rails and the pace is fast. She said derail, try harder! So I have to try harder at that too!

Even blogging. At what point do we press the 'publish' button in the knowledge that it is good enough? I post it, then go back and look at it, tweak it, re-post it and worse of all when it posts by accident because I pressed 'enter' too soon! Heaven forbid! Something went out into the internet ether and it was not good enough! I am stickler for spelling and grammar, which comes from my time in publishing where if there was a mistake, it was so my problem. So I confess I spent a good few hours agonizing about apostrophes in the word 'Boo'. Yep, really. Is it Boo's, Boos, Boos'...I think I need some booze...

I think that is why I am enjoying blogging so much, because ultimately it gives me validation. When people comment they are saying, in a round-about way, 'you are good enough!' and I like that :-)

Body image...

Body image - this feels like its a controversial topic amongst women. For me, I have a good one, pretty much. I have been lucky most of my life to be fairly slim...svelte...slender...whatever the word to describe comfortable in my skin, able to wear the clothes I like, no major fluctuations in weight. I have a pretty healthy relationship with food. I love it; my day revolves around it, I have nothing but good feelings for good food. I associate food with health. I eat well, I am well. The weight issue is an aside...so I absolutely admit: I am lucky.

When I had my firstborn I gained over 4 stones (56 lbs) in weight. I was young and to be honest, a little arrogant back then. I thought that I would always be slim no matter what. I genuinely thought that my body was not capable of putting on fat. Yet in those days and weeks after the birth, the realisation dawned - that I had gone post-pregnancy from a UK size 10 to a size 16. None of my clothes had a hope of fitting. I felt like my old body was gone forever and I would, forevermore, look like I had been 'dipped' in extra weight. I know, I know, a size 16 is not a bad size. I have much love for plus size models, I am not saying that size 16 is bad...you see what I mean? Controversial. I don't want to suggest anything negative...what I am saying is that the movement from slim to not so slim was such a shock to my system. For me it was very hard to come to terms with. I had never dieted. I had never thought about what I ate. I had never exercised (see previous post on why I run...).

So...to cut a long story short, I spent 6 months ruefully lamenting my lost body. That early baby stage was not exactly my happiest, I struggled with adapting to motherhood, I was just 26, most of my friends were still working on careers and finding husbands. I was working on breast feeding and washing baby clothes. Then out the blue, I contracted Salmonella food poisoning and was soooo sick. The weight dropped off in a week or two as I was just so ill! I guess from a body image perspective I was given a reprieve. I returned to some semblance of my old body and that has stayed, give or take, until today.

I do look at my daughter though and wonder what body image messages she is getting from me. I try never to talk about food/fad diets/weight in a way that will make her question the beauty of her body. I just want her to sail through life (what mother doesn't?) thinking of her body as a fantastic tool that she had been given, a gift, to do stuff with...free from body image issues.