My unsure heart...

You know I mentioned that everything was on hold at the moment? I am in a free-fall and have been for months. I should have known that coming away would bring things to some sort of fruition, with my thoughts floating freely as I ponder the ocean. I think of recent blog posts I have written and wonder if I am being entirely truthful with myself and to readers.

For sure I have mild angst about what I write here and want sometimes to be brutally honest, only then to temper that with shades of honesty. Not exactly an untruth, but more a diluted, prettified version of the real status quo. I also sometimes get this distinct sensation that those reading are judging; which surely points to my own paranoia? Why should I care who judges me? And moreover, if I did care why on earth would I be publishing this on the world wide web?

So I guess what I am saying is that I am painting a pretty picture of life as the reality is unclear to me. I am unsure what to do next. I have said before that I was always a working mother and now I am a mother who does not work (temporarily or permanently?). I have pain which is still unresolved and I clutch at straws of what the cause is and what the cure is. I have had to face many a demon about how I percieve hardship and how strong I am. I have come to the unrefutable conclusion that life is about your strength of mind. How well you cope. How long you can hold on. How your inner dialogue gets you through. At the end of the day there is only so much others can do for you. I have to fix myself.

So as I live in this self-imposed limbo I must acknowledge that the little things in life must be sufficient to keep me grounded. That the 'not knowing' must become my daily companion. That the future, unlike any other time in my life (school, university, job, marriage, children) is not stretching out in a clear path; it is a bending road running out of my sight. It's all a complete unknown.

And so off ponder the little things...

image source unknown...but how beautiful?